Skimming my past…

So many people commend my writing, from bosses who appreciate the detailed, objective, -court worthy- reports, to friends who’ve stopped here or giggled at my Facebook updates.  Yet I struggle at times, to write, arguing with myself about what to write about, believing;  ” I’m not a writer!”

Yet, here I sit, having organized my storage spaces… Looking at five full journals from  past years; knowing there are more secrets in more books, hidden in another box.  So… maybe, in fact, I AM a writer?? Maybe, staying present and looking back, will offer me some future topics?  Maybe, I must embrace a Tucker Max mentality instead of trying to censor it all… In truth, my friends are right: you don’t need reality TV if you let me swing by once a week… my life is entertaining.  Sometimes hilarious, sometimes depressing, but mine, and never dull.

I’m approaching a five year anniversary; of calling off my engagement and moving out of “his” house.  At a glance, I’m hard on myself and critical about what I have and haven’t “achieved”while he, has a now-one-year-old with the girl we assumed was the “rebound.”

Tonight, I read entries from a journal from the year after I left:

December 4, 2012

As I flip through this journal it occurs to me – perhaps I should burn it!  I’m writing because I feel unbalanced; lonely, yet don’t want to be around anyone, restless, yet don’t want to do anything. I feel I don’t spent much time in the “present moment.”- I’m distracted by phone, computer, and TV.  Regretting the past, worried about the future.

Why am I so consumed by peoples views and opinions? Why am I so in need of validation? Why do I hold on to people who appear to have no purpose, or worse, who hurt me? Where are my goals and ambitions?

_________________________________________________________________

Well, I didn’t burn the journal.  Maybe I should have! I feel a lot of these same feelings today about needing validation from other people and I’m working on letting it go- an experience last week drove home the point that you can’t change someone’s opinion, and it says much more about them then it does about you. In my journal, I went on to find and list the positives, which I will repeat and continue right now:

I love bubble baths, nice towels, making a good run, snowmobiles, the lake,and shooting a good game of pool.  I love my family, all my fur kids, and my horses.  In five years, I’ve rebuilt many old friendships,  and made new ones.  I upgraded my truck, got my motorcycle licence (and bought, then upgraded my bike.) I did freelance work as a cleaner, painter, karaoke DJ, and chicken and dairy farmer. I dated three – er- two and a half musicians. I hit on a pilot  (Both of these, a whole other post!) I learned to operate a backhoe, drive a tractor and “unload on the fly.”  I started a new career as a receptionist, moved to editor, and refreshed my French skills. I started a blog. I took a writing course.  I got back into fitness and lost twenty pounds.  I discovered a new rum, and new wine; and gained back ten!   I traveled to 3 different countries, and became a “familiar” at a bar in Bucerias Mexico: I wrote a story about it that I submitted for publishing. In a big rig, I visited eleven states in five days including Nashville Tennessee where I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly. I became briefly addicted to Zelda, Twilight Princess.  I rode the horse I brought into the world, and trained: at a rodeo, in a parade, and on a girls weekend away trail-riding. I moved two horses 7 times in four years: which lead me back to some of my favourite people and a place that always felt like home.  I found relationships that renewed my hopeless romantic side, and, also had some heartbreak: I survived.   I  witnessed most of our “couple” friends endure divorce, and break-ups.  I hoped for new sparks between friends who were old flames; when it didn’t work, I watched each of them marry someone else… and considered that maybe things DO work out how they’re meant to eventually; and you learn and grow along the way.

I’ve crammed a whole other lifetime, and a whole other me into the last five years.  I’m making plans and goals for the future, but still staying present… writing… and skimming my past.

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